birthday gift to myself, bought a rainbow unicorn bong...
and my niece got me a rainbow tie-dye rolling tray. bless UwU
made an actual website-specific update page and set that as the initial page that loads when you visit, putting the journal page farther back so people have to actively click journal to see my pointless whining and bitching. i'm too lazy to remake my menu buttons so i made shenron at the top of the page reload the updates page instead. this should probably go on the updates page, but i dont want to bring too much attention to it so it's going here instead.Posted: 11:15 PM 3/24/2020
i'm bored...Posted: 10:49 PM 3/15/2020
this fucking sucks. how do i fix this.Posted: 1:19 PM 3/1/2020
oops. just now realized i never uploaded the last update... so there it is.
interview happened, it went ok, but i dont think i'm gonna get the job. (edit: didnt) it's real shit when you can't even get a job at a gas station...
feeling dumpy again today. i think i always had this idea in the back of my mind that if i really, desperately had to, i could get a job rather quickly... i was a fool to think that. which makes the fact that i can't make money doing art even worse, and more depressing.
i need money, badly. i have less than $60 in the bank... i don't know what i'm doing anymore. why bother trying to do anything when everything fails and nobody cares.
sigh... here is that picture from the other day, i didn't finish it. i dont feel like it. what's the point. it's effort for no reason... which is what i'm feeling about art entirely right now. what even is the point. someone please give me a reason why i should do anything other than lie in bed until i perish if i can't make anything else in life work out for me...
i was depressed and worried about money the other day so i went on indeed and applied to a gas
station... got an interview on saturday. i haven't worked since 2016. i'm nervous that i wont
be able to get the hours i want - which is basically just not working when it's dark. the layout
of the gas station is just too... janky for that. there is only one window where you can see people
coming, and each side is blocked off by long lines of outdoor merchandise, so you can't see people
coming from a distance. also i dont wanna work weekends. i guess i'll see what happens...
my history with working has been less than pleasant. regular jobs make me miserable, but i'm broke and nobody's buying my art...
i'm using cbd flower now, i tested it today for the first time and went grocery shopping, i felt ok. i felt less neurotic than i usually do when going out in public... only time will tell if it will help me survive a regular job.
i can only do so much for myself, though. if it turns out the people running the joint are shitty people then i'll just quit. i'm not about to deal with that shit again. shitty employers/managers make for a miserable existance working for them and i just refuse to put up with that ever again. worked at walmart for 6 months and it was an absolutely miserable experience, because for some reason, mangerial positions in retail attract the absolute worst of humanity.
they better allow me to have a stool or chair to sit on, too. there is zero reason for there not to be one because i'd be inside a tiny building that customers can't see, even when they're standing right up against the window thath as that small hole in it to pass money and product through. like i said, if there is any uneccessary bullshittery they want me to do that really has no affect on passing cigarettes and money through a small hole in a window, i'm not going to work there. i wish more people would/had the ability to stand up against abusive shit in the workplace.
my forearms hurt and feel weak, but i dont know why. i hope it's not the bud. trying to think of what i might have done to make them sore, but i don't remember...
ps: weed tastes fucking horrible. i need to be able to get regular vape carts that actually taste good.
i woke up the other day, looked over at my fern, and for some reason thought... fern afro.
so now i'm doing this:
not sure what exactly i'm doing with it. i was going to draw it from scratch at first but... i'm really lazy. i may just paint over it, i dont know.
ordered a dry herb vape and some cbd bud the other day, should arrive thursday. can't wait. but now i'm really fuckin broke. i have $59 to my name :/ shit blows.
first time making a cinemagraph :V
i woke up from a dream about fries and Icees... so i wanted fries and an Icee for breafast. didn't want to go anywhere so i made fries from scratch and i had a frozen minute maid thing. was an acceptable alternative to going out in the rain to get shitty fast food and a gas station slurpee.Posted: 1:33 PM 2/19/2020
this whole town has been drinking the dumb bitch juice. someone suckered the chamber of commerce
into believing they owned UBER of all things, and are now using the mame to try and set up their
own taxi service.
inb4 the real uber finds out and dick-slaps the stupid out of them.
i'm fed up with people flaking on me. nobody ever fucking keeps their word.Posted: 7:50 PM 2/13/2020
Posted: 6:24 PM 2/11/2020
damnit i'm so damn bored. i want to play games or something but i dont have anything i want to play :/Posted: 4:40 AM 2/11/2020
i wish my family members would learn to shut the fuck up for five goddamn seconds to let me get a fucking SENTENCE OUT WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED OR TALKED OVER. i'm so fucking sick of this shit, it's been like this my entire fucking life, and these bitches wonder why i dont ever FUCKING talk to them or around them. BECAUSE I PHYSICALLY FUCKING CANT AND NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO, BECAUSE YOU CUNTS FUCKING INTERRUPT AND TALK OVER ME EVERY TIME I TRY AND OPEN MY FUCKING MOUTH. GOD. DAMN. IT.Posted: 1:17 AM 2/11/2020
so i realized that my god damn shower is just pissing down water between the walls when it's on, and everything beneath it is gone and rotted out. so i can't use my shower anymore... fan fucking tastic.Posted: 1:52 AM 1/30/2020
i'm bored as fuck but dont actually feel like doing anything fkljfkldsjffdsjk (ﾉ￣д￣)ﾉPosted: 6:42 PM 1/27/2020
bleeeeehhhhh...Posted: 5:47 PM 1/26/2020
it's sad bitches hour
i really want to post on twitter about commissions but it's so pointless...nobody ever bites. even when i offer super cheap ones. i'm not sure anyone ever actually sees those posts anyway. it always feels like screaming into the void...
speaking of stardew, does anyone play and wanna do co-op sometime? i dont really have anyone to play with on the reg.Posted: 11:20 PM 1/20/2020
successfully got my niece addicted to stardew valley. we played on LAN all night. >:) >:) >:)Posted: 1:47 AM 1/18/2020
had to delete the entry from a week or two ago that had the trippy mushroom animations cuz the website that was hosting the images was fucking up. i dont think i'll reupload them here though because the files were huge. they are on my other website though.Posted: 2:18 PM 1/16/2020
got really bored and spur of the moment idea decided to make a little pixel art tip jar thing. it's at the bottom right of the page. it's alright... i'm not super great at pixel art obvs but i just wanted to do it. thought it would be cute. at first i wanted to make the coins spinning around but that was more work than i was willing to put into it.Posted: 4:16 AM 1/16/2020
i'm bored.Posted: 10:35 PM 1/15/2020
thought about putting this on redbubble as stickers and shit but i think i'm going to close my redbubble after the january payment comes through. i dont make enough money there to justify keeping it open honestly, and now with redbubble changing their payout rules and implementing a fucking minimum payout balance that i'll never fucking reach, and literally didn't in an entire year, fuck it. i'm just gonna close the fuckin shit.
i'll make the stickers myself and put them on storenvy. they wont be as nice... but fuck it.
i need to find vinyl sticker paper.Posted: 3:28 PM 1/14/2020
i'm so fucking pissed off.
two, count them, FUCKING TWO, god damn coils out of this box of five that i got for my vape were fucking duds that didn't fucking work.
these stupid fucking things cost like $3-$3.50 each, this is GOD DAMN UNACCEPTABLE, SMOK!! YOU FUCKING SHIT ASS PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT COMPANY. FUCKING ROT IN A FIRE YOU CUNTS.
i'm so fed up with dealing with vape bullshit. i wish i didn't have to. but it's the only decent way to take CBD for my god damn monster fucking PMS god damnit bullshtiojkdlsfjdklsdfjkslf;dhag;lh asfkldhjsa fld bitch cunt motherFUCK
Edit @ 1:13 AM 1/21/2020: i ordered a cbd-specific vape online, it's really tiny.
it's cute, and i like it, but i can't taste my goddamn juice and there is hardly any vapor. it's
disappointing, but that's the sacrifice i have to make because i use CBD i guess :/
nothing to write about.
did a bonfire last night. pretty much it.
still tired... back to bed maybe. fuck it.
added a custom cursor. i wish i could figure out how to make expression web 4 automatically insert the date and time and in a specific format so i wont have to manually type it in every entry :/Posted on Jan. 9, 2020 @ 12:05 AM
went into the local fabric/sewing shop for the first time today, and walked right the fuck back
bitch, aint nobody gonna buy a small pack of thin cotton fat quarters for over $100, you're fucking delusional for asking so much.
like, i'm legitimately offended by the prices in that shop. anyone who buys anything from there is getting fuckin fleeced, hard.
i had food poisoning. that sucked. finally feeling relatively normal... i'm still weary as fuck from not having good nutrition for 4 fuckin days.Posted on Jan. 6, 2020 @ 11:20 AM
i wanna do more adventurous stuff with this website but... idk what. i wonder what gets people coming together in the neocities community. i dont know much about it. i do know theres seemingly nobody else dbz related here though...(´−｀)Posted on Jan. 1, 2020 @ 8:07 PM
i'm so tired of having to maintain two separate identities online. i wish i could just, like,
stop giving a shit what people think of me IRL, because people who are offended by the natural
me aren't people i want to associate with anyway, but i still can't fucking help myself from hiding
behind a censored facade. i have an entirely
separate website for my non-dbz art, and i don't even have a journal there or half the content
on it that i do here because i dont want to "scare off" anyone who might be interested in my art.
but at the same time... like i said, anyone who would be offended can fuck off anyway. but i just fuckin' can't let go and actually say fuck it. goddamn it.
the issue is, like, i'll do local trade shows and in-person art related things, and i'm obviously not going to go by a persona in those scenarios... i need business cards with my real identity on them and shit, i can't just like... you know... i can't sell a piece of jewelry or a portrait commission to a 72 year old grandma and have that AND my dbz/smut related shit or bitching-ranting personal journals mixed together within the same space...
and i have zero personal information there (i mean, i dont here either, but here i have journals and i'm not afraid to say what i want for fear of who might see it, because of the nature of the content i create under the Ryoko Tedeschi name, it doesn't matter - it's vulgar by nature. but i dont even want to SAY anything if its attached to my real identity, like no insight into me as a person or my personality, because i'm afraid that if i even speak a single word beyond very basic communication about what i do or offer in the art world, people will be offended.
i have this problem off the internet too, i really dont like being around people who aren't a carbon copy of myself: ie- vulgar, cuss a lot, etc. i just dont feel comfortable around people who constantly have a Rated-G shield up around themselves, because i feel extremely out of place and disconnected from those kind of people.
it makes me feel like a streetwalker inside a nun house. i don't wanna be there, other people don't want me there, so lets just split and not coexist at all.
now that i think about it, i think i'm so adamant about keeping a squeaky clean image for the real-name attached stuff because i dont want to cut down my potential client pool. even though i hate having to put on a fake persona to deal with average folk, they have money and i'm a broke bitch.
uuuugh i fucking hate this.
Posted on Jan. 1, 2020 @ 12:51 AM